How to deal with feedback
Seven strategies to handle feedback less painfully
This essay first appeared in . Writer and coach kindly hosted a Q&A with me last month on this topic. You can find the REPLAY here, where we do a deeper dive into how to find feedback that will help.
The other day I had a little cry. In the pub, tears dripping into my sauvignon blanc. My husband held my hand.
Long story short, I wrote another thriller after my last published novel, One Year Later, came out. My agent loved it. The editor I hired in America loved it.
Unfortunately, during Covid, my agent went out of business. Nobody seemed to want a dark homage to Vertigo about the murder of a young Olympic gymnast.
So I wrote another novel. It’s now out with publishers. So far there has not been a ten-way auction or a six-figure book deal.
Or even any book deal.
I’ve had three rejections to date. They’ve been lovely, but still, they were rejections.
I’ve written half a million words for these two novels in six years. For three of those years I’ve been waiting for FEEDBACK from agents and publishers.
I realise that I am in an incredibly privileged position.
And yet.
Sometimes it’s so fucking hard being happy and resilient all the time.
It is hard to remain positive sometimes. It’s hard to remember, let alone celebrate the positive and kind words people say about one’s art. It’s hard not to be defensive or feel down-trodden or dispirited in the face of feedback. It’s hard to hang on to your self-worth for dear life.
Does any of this sound familiar?
The blunt truth is – and you may feel similarly – receiving feedback can be challenging. Whether it’s from friends, mentors or editors, feedback can stir up self-doubt. As writers, we pour our thoughts, creativity and emotions into our work, which makes receiving criticism – no matter how constructive – feel deeply personal.
Editors and agents are invested in helping your project succeed, but their feedback can often still feel like a judgment on your skill, your ideas, and even your potential as a writer. Plus, it’s all too easy to fixate on negative comments, even when they’re outweighed by positive ones.
So, what follows is a nuts-and-bolts guide to dealing with feedback (one that I would do well to adhere to). It’s not about how to interpret feedback or decide which comments to act on — a topic for another day, perhaps. Instead, we’re going to talk about how to care for yourself emotionally in the face of criticism, how to handle that initial sting, and how to move forward without letting feedback shake your confidence or derail your creative journey. By understanding why feedback affects us so deeply and learning to process it in healthy ways, we can develop resilience and use it as a tool for growth rather than a source of discouragement.
Why Negative Feedback Feels So Personal
There’s actually a scientific reason why negative feedback can hit us so hard (I knew that Zoology degree would come in handy!). Our brains have evolved to protect us from danger, and part of that process is an intense focus on negative signals. In our evolutionary past, hearing a rustle in the leaves and assuming the worst – saber-toothed tiger in the bushes! – could have meant the difference between life and death.
Similarly, humans are wired to care deeply about what others think of us. In early hunter-gatherer societies, social bonds were vital to survival. Being cast out could mean danger or death, so we developed a heightened sensitivity to the opinions of others. This instinct still influences us today. According to the Looking Glass Self, atheory by Charles Cooley, much of our identity is formed by what we imagine others think of us. It's why feedback can feel so intensely personal — it taps into those ancient survival mechanisms.
What Doesn’t Work
Trying to ignore or suppress your emotions isn’t the answer. Bottling up your feelings can lead to emotional leakage; in other words, those emotions can resurface in other ways (shouting at the kids for not tidying their room because you think you’re a rubbish writer, anyone?). Worse still, suppressing negative emotions can also block positive ones, like joy. And, while positive self-talk is often recommended in these scenarios, research shows it can backfire if you don’t fully believe in the affirmations you’re telling yourself.
So, What Does Work?
Instead of trying to sidestep these emotions, it’s better to build the capacity to handle criticism in a way that preserves your self-worth. Aim to be open to feedback that can help you grow, but also learn to recognise when feedback reflects someone else’s values rather than your own. Gaining clarity on which opinions matter most and why can empower you to let go of unhelpful criticism, focus on what truly matters to you, and make you a better writer.
I know, I know! So much easier to say than do. But here are some strategies that help me…
I’m passionate about helping writers become better writers: please get in touch if you’d like to have a one-to-one mentoring session.
Strategies for Handling Feedback
Acceptance
The first step in handling difficult feedback is to accept that it’s going to feel awful — initially. Recognise these emotions for what they are: a natural response. Your brain is trying to protect you by focusing on the negative. However, bear in mind a few things:
This negativity bias is hardwired into you and it’s temporary. As the old Persian adage says, 'This too shall pass.’
Negative emotions are stressful. Every time you’re stressed, you release the hormone, cortisol. If you keep ruminating on the feedback, every time you do so, you’ll trigger another wave of stress, and another whoosh of cortisol. It’s like being kicked 100 times instead of just once.
Ask yourself, ‘Is this really about me?’ Take a step back and assess. If 98% of your feedback has been positive, the issue may not be quite as personal as it feels. There could be external factors. It might not actually be about you or your writing.
Challenge Catastrophic Thinking
What's the worst thing that can happen? You might not be published by a major publisher, for instance. Can you deal with that? Take a moment to see this in the context of your entire life. Often, when we zoom out, we realise that the worst-case scenario isn't nearly as dire as it first seems. I mean, I’d like a three-book deal and a movie contract, but if I look at the bigger picture, I’m just grateful I’m healthy and have a lovely family.Reevaluate What Matters
As Mark Manson eloquently puts it in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, the goal isn’t to stop caring entirely. Instead, it's about choosing what you care about. So (with fewer expletives) Manson argues:
Don’t waste energy on things that don’t truly matter. What’s important to you? Is this feedback truly worth the emotional energy?
Manson’s advice is about focusing your ‘fuck’ on what truly matters—friends, family and your purpose. When adversity hits, care about something moreimportant than what has gone wrong, and often it will shrink in significance.
‘The problem with people who hand out fucks like ice cream at a goddamn summer camp is that they don’t have anything more fuckworthy to dedicate their fucks to.’
Learn from the Feedback
Is there anything valuable you can take from the feedback? Sometimes feedback lacks clarity or relevance, but there may still be nuggets of insight. If you find even one point that helps you improve, that’s a win. What I have personally discovered over the years, is that feedback is often NOT helpful or insightful. It takes a rare editor to pinpoint exactly what is wrong, understand what you personally are trying to achieve, and suggest ways that you could improve your work. What is most often the case, is that something isn’t working and your friend or editor can see this. Working out exactly what it is and how to fix it is your job. So don’t dismiss feedback if, at first, you can’t see what the problem is.Coach Yourself with Kindness
When emotions run high, be your own coach. Talk to yourself as you would a friend — with kindness, compassion and understanding. Brené Brown speaks about the power of vulnerability in Daring Greatly, including being vulnerable with yourself. It’s okay to admit that feedback hurts. Approach it with self-compassion rather than self-criticism.
Remember the Teddy Roosevelt quote that Brown used as the inspiration for her book:
‘It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.’
Theodore Roosevelt
Reframe Your Perspective
As Shakespeare said in Hamlet, ‘There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.’ How we frame an experience influences how we feel about it. Focus on the positive feedback you've received and look at it within the broader context of your life. Sometimes what feels like a blow is just a bump in the road. Shift your attention to what’s working well and acknowledge that no one piece of feedback can define you.I Am Enough
At the core of handling feedback – positive or negative – is the understanding that you are enough, regardless of the opinions of others. Your worth is not tied to a single piece of writing or paragraph of feedback. While it’s important to stay open to growth and learning, it’s equally important to remind yourself that you are already whole, capable and worthy. Just as you are.
Ultimately, the most powerful strategy for dealing with feedback is this: hold onto the belief that, even as you evolve and grow, you are enough, right now. (Or as Ken told Barbie in the 2023 movie, ‘You are Kenough’).
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In our Q&A on feedback, Katherine and I look at some of the above, but also:
How to find the right beta readers for you
How to figure out what feedback is useful and what isn’t
Strategies to implement feedback
References:
Why has Nobody Told me This Before? Julie Smith 2022 Michael Joseph
Solve for Happy Mo Gawdat 2017 Bluebird
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck Mark Manson 2016 Harper
Daring Greatly Brené Brown 2015 Penguin Life
Thank you Sanjida, the podcast on feedback was great: very affirming and constructive.
Brilliant! Thanks so much Sanjida. Perfect timing!